RELATIONSHIP WOUNDS, HEALING, AND PARTNERSHIP
Q: (paraphrased excerpt)
…I had a very painful experience of marriage over seven years, after which I turned to spirituality. My sensitivities have developed since, but also the heart’s longing to share this with a man. It is frustrating and painful to see the kind of manipulation, power-games, and slavery that is out there! The effect of all this, the aggression and violence in relations, makes it difficult for me to open. Instead, I feel myself withdrawing more and more, unable to change anything.
I have searched in books, teachers, trainings, and have done many practices to clear myself, to be successful, all in vain. I feel completely helpless. It has been 15 years! I see myself growing older and now have practically one wish: ‘ to experience real love together with a man who feels the same way’.
Is there anything I can do?
Z:
No. There is nothing you can “do”. I think you may have done enough. Now it is time to shift around the way you perceive life and yourself. Find yourself happy by yourself, for yourself, alone.
Sex, like love is not a problem to be solved.
Too often women feel that they are incomplete without a man. This is what society teaches us and it is very deeply engrained in even the most intelligent and sensitive women. We are supposedly “half” a person without a man. This is simply not true. Now set yourself out to discover this. If the need is for physical touch, find children, old persons, friends, include more touch, warmth, ordinary affection in your life, and conquer the fear of giving from yourself gratuitously.
The kinds of attitudes and beliefs you have are still working on you in a negative way. You must find a way to neutralize your reactions. For example, we can perceive the violence and aggression out there, but we do not need to “judge” it. You can’t change anything outside; all you can change is the perspective through which you view it! In fact understand that some people need violence; it is part of a learning process.
“Judging” brings a reaction in us that repels and closes us up; it creates barriers. Simply stay away from that, but think positively, creatively, joyfully. Joy is a natural expression of the body. Train your mind, pure and simple. By this I mean through understanding (which implies “heart”), not programming or technique.
Relationships are about mirrors, so become what you wish to attract, in mind as in body. Above all embrace the opposites in yourself without judgment. Then you may not always perceive violence, but strength and intensity instead. You are your own training ground. Watch yourself and your reactions in life, without excusing or labeling them, and without necessarily acting upon them. Embrace all opposites within you. I suggest you do the exercises in my book from start to finish. You may consult me anytime.
You are a physically beautiful, intelligent woman. Once you are happy with yourself, fully, and this includes a healthy, vital, spontaneous and active body expression, the natural Law of Attraction will attract an equal frequency into your life.
To experience love you must begin with yourself. Fear is not inviting. Need does not attract love; instead it attracts another needy person! Understand this.
Xxx Zzz
It is a shame that women can feel this being: ‘“half” a person without a man,’ even when it comes not from the man who is perceived as the other half. Culture has a lot to answer for! Becoming whole doesn’t necessitate being alone.
I think one of the problems within the question & the desire ‘to experience real love together with a man who feels the same way,’ is that we don’t, as men & women, feel the same way. Real love for a man, speaking from personal experience, often desires passion or a spark both sexually/physically & creatively/mentally, as this not only brings his being into expression, but embraces his insecurities to enable such a vulnerable, open & loving relationship. When it is not there he too feels less than whole both individually & within the relationship.
It is a difficult situation when we need & desire different things to make us feel whole. As we tread the path to at-one-ment our greatest lessons are thrust before our eyes & through our heart, hopefully we live & learn, but surely we, as men, have to follow That spark of loving energy, That creative passion, which is who & what I am. How else do we know if we are on the right path?
with love in difficult times mcx
Dear friend, though we do not know the whole story of a question which has been paraphrased, it is good to read your respond to it from male perspective. How do we know if our chosen actions are correct and on the right path? Only by trial and error! And this is different for any individual be it a woman or man: some step in the water once and realize the truth,some need to exercise this few times more and maybe some even drawn in the merky waters of applied techniques. What makes you tick is the same source as makes me tick – it is no difference. But what creates variations of it is all we are as individuals- containing all of our history. Say we are together in a same room,breathing same air,but the breath I take makes me feel different then the breath you inhale. We are partly sharing same energy that surrounds us in that moment. You and I are different, though have same functionalities in body. So, what is the spark that lights the fire? As Zulma writes is to surrender,to open the heart,to be original and not judgmental,…the way to do this is for every individual to find out a proper technique. It is all very true what she suggest, she knows it and feels it,because of who she is, that ‘ poor woman’ is different and she has to do her own work to be able to become ‘worthy’ of her own divine nature. It is necessary to peel off all the layers of applied life and get to the core of being where there is that spark,loving and fulfilling and that spark makes man tick ( and women too when she looks at a man)! all the rest is created reality, that can last only for certain time before it shows it’s own degradation and weak links. (Hope you can understand what I am saying, writing words can be often leading a thought in various directions?)
And as I see that you are a person who is capable of deep contemplation, I believe you have experienced by now a very happy life? All the best to you.
xx,Andreja
Dearest Andreja,
Thank you for your response. I just wanted to make one more point, and that is the importance of knowing that the spark you speak about is not accessed by elimination. It is accessed through the personality, through each person’s “quirks”, so to speak. It involves development and refinement of sensitivity, but also concrete management of matter in a world of many different and often coarser expressions.
If we are to be any use at all to humanity, we have to be ourselves and embrace it all. It is not a process of elimination but of embracing. For this, the individual needs to toughen up, in a sense. For very sensitive people I suggest martial arts (or even boxing!). For the more athletic types I suggest more aesthetic practices, all for the purpose of balancing.
Yes, there is a peeling process but this must be accompanied by a growing solidity in the body and personality. Otherwise it doesn’t work.
Love you!
xxx Zzz
Understood!
thank you! with a warm embrace for you Zulma. xx